this is the world I know
Due to lack of any means of relief I'm turning to this.
I am angry beyond words. As I've always been. I have sworn to myself so many times that I will try to understand them and be a better niece to them. Be "good" (their definition of this is helping around the house, waking up around 5:30 a.m. EVERYDAY, washing my brother's clothes and mine by hand or using the washing machine instead of sending it to the laundromat because it's a KATAMARAN, wash the dishes, send money to my family and regularly give them their half-month pay-off too, and be always respectful among other things).
I've been trying to do this ever since I started living with them. I have no problem doing the last because me and my siblings were raised by my parents to be respectful not only to our elders but to everyone. But the other physical stuff I admit I have lapses. I do my my best to be obedient. In fact, my arms have grown bigger than their normal size. And I know that my things especialy my laundry are my responsibility so I understand. But what is wrong with having my clothes washed?! Why is it a sign of KATAMARAN and irresponsibility? I use my own hard-earned money. I do that because I work everyday, from 6 to 6 and often beyond working hours. Work even extends during the weekends even wehn I am at home. I am simply so tired. You'd think maybe it's because I don't offer having theirs washed...the thing is they think that laundromats are filthy and who knows what diseases could be acquired in there. Tanga. That's how those peopel think. I don't bother to explain, they never listen anyway. They think they're always right. One of them would say, "Sarili mo na lang nga ang dapat mong asikasuhin hindi mo pa magawa." Yun na nga e. Sa dami ng kailangan kong gawin e di hahanap ako ng paraan para makahanap naman ng panahon na maasikaso ko yung sarili ko. I barely even sleep. That is another matter.
If I'm still up beyond the usual bedtime they'd give me a sermon about conserving electricity and stupid questions like, "Bakit hindi kasi sa araw ginagawa 'yan e? Kung kailan hatinggabi..." I'm at work during daytime, dammit. If I do have the time extra time during day at home, can I work in that environment inside that house?! With 2 little kids running around, fist-fighting every oppurtunity they can find, and with their self-righteous and irresponsible rearing...how could I? So I do most of what I have to do when everyone' s asleep. That's the only time I can concentrate. That's how I get the sermons. I've heard ingrata several times.
When I sleep beyond 5-6:30 in the morning I hear worse. All my sins and my family's are thrown in my face plus kind and inspiring words such as, "You will not get anywhere at all with your bad habits", " That's why all those things happened/or are happening to your family because you are like that', " Tamad, tamad, tamad", "Pa-señorita", "Mga walang pakinabang."
Those are just samples. I could fill an entire ream of bond paper with why and how me and my family became who we are right now. And what we should and should not have done. How our mistakes made their lives a living sacrifice. BULLSHIT.
I just hate them. I am counting the weeks, the months when me and my brother can finally leave that place. Katulad nga ng sinabi ko noon, kahit magutom ako at gumapang sa lusak kakayanin ko basta malayo lang sa kanila at maabot ang pangarap ko. Putang ina nila. When we had money they respected us. When we lost everything they started treating us like dirt. And they say we should be thankful for having them because they are such kind and generous people. Ang kapal ng mukha. They even say they love us. Putang ina talaga. If that is how you love salamat na lang.
Utang na loob. Ang pagtulong hindi naghihintay ng kapalit at hindi isinusumbat. Tapos they'd be so bitter about their so-called sacrifices. Sisihin kami kaya di sila nakapag-asawa o lahat ng pera napupunta sa kanila. We didn't ask for it. They voulnteered and yes, we are thankful. But they should not say it is HELP or CHARITY or LOVE dahil hindi, hindi, hindi...pautang ang ginagawa nila. They're usurers. Some relatives. In the first place, they have a hand in what my family has become. They are actually responsible to a large extent to my family's demise. And this is the truth..I'm not simply blaming them because of their hateful diposition. It was their self-rightousness and all-knowing selves who are the very reasons why my sister and brother became went mad.
When I was a kid I respected them so much, with all my being, to be honest. I looked up to them, they were my role models. There were many times when I wished they were my parents. During my 4th year in highschool...I slowly realized how shallow and mean they are beneath the kind masks they wear. The time I spent wiht them in college was even more of an eye-opener. They are not who they claim to be and I never want to be like them.
Five years of living with them, more than 6 for my brother, has caused us moral and spiritual degeneration and dissillusionment. They go to Mass every Sunday, pray the rosary everyday, say grace before meals but their understanding of faith and religion is so shallow. The kindness they show, as I have discovered is skin deep. Try as I might to use all that I have learned in school to brush myself off of such contagious character...I have failed. Sometimes, I fear I am even worse than they are. Because I am filled with anger and hatred in unimaginable proportions. I'm finding it hard to forgive them, day by day. UPR just don't work anymore.
Distance is the only cure, I say. The farther I am from where they are, the better. I hope that happens soon.
I am angry beyond words. As I've always been. I have sworn to myself so many times that I will try to understand them and be a better niece to them. Be "good" (their definition of this is helping around the house, waking up around 5:30 a.m. EVERYDAY, washing my brother's clothes and mine by hand or using the washing machine instead of sending it to the laundromat because it's a KATAMARAN, wash the dishes, send money to my family and regularly give them their half-month pay-off too, and be always respectful among other things).
I've been trying to do this ever since I started living with them. I have no problem doing the last because me and my siblings were raised by my parents to be respectful not only to our elders but to everyone. But the other physical stuff I admit I have lapses. I do my my best to be obedient. In fact, my arms have grown bigger than their normal size. And I know that my things especialy my laundry are my responsibility so I understand. But what is wrong with having my clothes washed?! Why is it a sign of KATAMARAN and irresponsibility? I use my own hard-earned money. I do that because I work everyday, from 6 to 6 and often beyond working hours. Work even extends during the weekends even wehn I am at home. I am simply so tired. You'd think maybe it's because I don't offer having theirs washed...the thing is they think that laundromats are filthy and who knows what diseases could be acquired in there. Tanga. That's how those peopel think. I don't bother to explain, they never listen anyway. They think they're always right. One of them would say, "Sarili mo na lang nga ang dapat mong asikasuhin hindi mo pa magawa." Yun na nga e. Sa dami ng kailangan kong gawin e di hahanap ako ng paraan para makahanap naman ng panahon na maasikaso ko yung sarili ko. I barely even sleep. That is another matter.
If I'm still up beyond the usual bedtime they'd give me a sermon about conserving electricity and stupid questions like, "Bakit hindi kasi sa araw ginagawa 'yan e? Kung kailan hatinggabi..." I'm at work during daytime, dammit. If I do have the time extra time during day at home, can I work in that environment inside that house?! With 2 little kids running around, fist-fighting every oppurtunity they can find, and with their self-righteous and irresponsible rearing...how could I? So I do most of what I have to do when everyone' s asleep. That's the only time I can concentrate. That's how I get the sermons. I've heard ingrata several times.
When I sleep beyond 5-6:30 in the morning I hear worse. All my sins and my family's are thrown in my face plus kind and inspiring words such as, "You will not get anywhere at all with your bad habits", " That's why all those things happened/or are happening to your family because you are like that', " Tamad, tamad, tamad", "Pa-señorita", "Mga walang pakinabang."
Those are just samples. I could fill an entire ream of bond paper with why and how me and my family became who we are right now. And what we should and should not have done. How our mistakes made their lives a living sacrifice. BULLSHIT.
I just hate them. I am counting the weeks, the months when me and my brother can finally leave that place. Katulad nga ng sinabi ko noon, kahit magutom ako at gumapang sa lusak kakayanin ko basta malayo lang sa kanila at maabot ang pangarap ko. Putang ina nila. When we had money they respected us. When we lost everything they started treating us like dirt. And they say we should be thankful for having them because they are such kind and generous people. Ang kapal ng mukha. They even say they love us. Putang ina talaga. If that is how you love salamat na lang.
Utang na loob. Ang pagtulong hindi naghihintay ng kapalit at hindi isinusumbat. Tapos they'd be so bitter about their so-called sacrifices. Sisihin kami kaya di sila nakapag-asawa o lahat ng pera napupunta sa kanila. We didn't ask for it. They voulnteered and yes, we are thankful. But they should not say it is HELP or CHARITY or LOVE dahil hindi, hindi, hindi...pautang ang ginagawa nila. They're usurers. Some relatives. In the first place, they have a hand in what my family has become. They are actually responsible to a large extent to my family's demise. And this is the truth..I'm not simply blaming them because of their hateful diposition. It was their self-rightousness and all-knowing selves who are the very reasons why my sister and brother became went mad.
When I was a kid I respected them so much, with all my being, to be honest. I looked up to them, they were my role models. There were many times when I wished they were my parents. During my 4th year in highschool...I slowly realized how shallow and mean they are beneath the kind masks they wear. The time I spent wiht them in college was even more of an eye-opener. They are not who they claim to be and I never want to be like them.
Five years of living with them, more than 6 for my brother, has caused us moral and spiritual degeneration and dissillusionment. They go to Mass every Sunday, pray the rosary everyday, say grace before meals but their understanding of faith and religion is so shallow. The kindness they show, as I have discovered is skin deep. Try as I might to use all that I have learned in school to brush myself off of such contagious character...I have failed. Sometimes, I fear I am even worse than they are. Because I am filled with anger and hatred in unimaginable proportions. I'm finding it hard to forgive them, day by day. UPR just don't work anymore.
Distance is the only cure, I say. The farther I am from where they are, the better. I hope that happens soon.
posted by quincespeaks at 7:28 PM
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